Hitting a Wall
by Xx-Regina-Phalange-xX
Summary: '...He'd known it was inevitable from the moment he got the notion to propose in his head, but he had still hoped otherwise.' T for cursing.
1. Dizzy

This little ditty made me write itself when I was listening to a song called You Are the Only One by Emily Osment. You can find some of the lyrics shoved in there, mostly in the dialouge.

Anways, the funny thing about this multi-chapter fic is that I actually wrote half of the ending first, then the beginning, then I started the sequal, wrote half or the middle, finished up the ending, then finished up the middle. It makes sense, don't worry, it was just disjointed in the writing process. *Laughs*

I want to thank Chocolate Scones for betaing this chapter. Thank you so much for your brilliant detective work and tips. *Grins* And now, without further adu, the first chapter of Hitting a Wall.

**Dizzy**

"Kate Beckett, will you marry me?" As Castle sat there, vulnerable and nervous, she wondered why she felt so…angry. Wasn't this supposed to be one of the happiest moments of her life, when she cries and laughs and screams 'yes' over and over until their lips meet in a passionate kiss? She wasn't supposed to start to shake. She wasn't supposed to have an overwhelming urge to run.

She wasn't supposed to feel this way, but she did, and that's why when she asked him if they weren't moving a bit fast, she wished a million times over she could've taken it back, and still does.

His grin dropped an inch and he looked as if readying himself for something. What, she didn't know, until he started to speak, and she realized he'd been planning for this.

"I love you, Kate, and you love me. You've told me so yourself. Why not?" He shrugged, but his hands shook harder and she knew then that he was scared. 'He has a legitimate reason.' She thought as she bit her lip.

Every time he wanted to move up in their relationship, she had been the one to hold back, and hard. He'd known it was inevitable from the moment he got the notion to propose in his head, but he had still hoped otherwise.

"Forever is quite a long time, Rick. Are you sure that's a promise you can make?" Her voice was teasing, but they both knew that she was avoiding the question. He ran his free hand through his hair and stood, placing the little blue box on the counter. He then took her shoulders and lifted her chin so that she would meet his eyes.

"What's your real reason, Kate? What's holding you back this time?" His eyes were soft, understanding, and full of so much love, she gasped.

Three years ago she would have flipped him flat on his back for grabbing her like this, but the emotion in his eyes and her decrease in violent thoughts toward him stopped her, and she just sighed.

"It's just a little…soon, for me." She stuttered, forcing herself to breathe. '_You'd be trapped. Stuck. Bad things could happen and you'd have no control over them. Or him. He'd get the control. He'd control you._' Her mind was spinning and she felt dizzy, so much so, that she almost reached up to steady her head, but she managed to force that reflex down.

She took a deep breath. "Are we at the right place at the wrong time? Are _we_ not right? Or is this just, right, but-?" She sighed and yanked herself out of his grasp. "I need some space." She mumbled. If he hadn't been so close, he wouldn't have heard it.

"Wait. Kate!" He flung out a hand to catch her wrist when she turned away, but she whipped around and glared daggers at him, and he knew then he'd crossed a line.

"Castle, just _leave. Me. Be._" She growled. When he didn't let her wrist go for a few seconds, she twisted it, and he jumped back with a yelp. Satisfied, she went for her things again.

"What is your problem?" This time, his voice was almost imperceivable, but when she processed it, her anger went bubbling over, and he regretted his words as instantly as she had.

"What's_ my_ problem?" Her voice rose an octave as he turned back around slowly and stalked towards him. "You're the _only_ one, the only one, Castle, who _gets_ me, _feels_ me, _knows_ me, _hurts_ me. You make _everything _so, damn, complicated and I'm going crazy here, trying to figure out if I should _hug_ you or _punch_ you. How could you do this? How _did_ you do it? Get so _damn_ close, I can't get you out? How, Castle? Cause I'd sure like to know. It makes no sense! And I-I-" Her eyes started to water and she choked on her words. She had to get out of there, but the words came back and rushed past her open lips.

"I'm scared, Rick. I'm so damn _scared_ that I won't be in control, of my heart, of my life, _of anything_! I'm scared to love you _completely_, and then end up losing you. I'm just tired, Rick. _So_ darn tired of this little dance we have going on, and I just _can't_. I can't! So don't ask-" She gritted her teeth, but a stray tear fell loose and her voice dropped to a whisper. "Don't ask me what my problem is." She tuned back around for the final time, not even bothering to wipe away that tear and gathered up her things.

Castle just watched in stunned silence as she waltzed out the door without looking back.

**~VNMVNMVNMVNMV~**

What was fun was practicing Kate's yelling outloud to figure out where the empasis was. Yeah, that was fun.

I would appreciate knowing what you think about this. I've already finished the fic, in case you didn't get that, so the second chapter will be posted shortly.


	2. Pain

A hour or so ago, I had Caskettlove22 tell me just how long it's been since I'd updated this, and man, had I felt so bad about this. So, heres the second instalment. Let's just hope I modivate mysel enough tofinish writing up the final one.

* * *

><p>Castle defined space as a night of tossing and turning, then thinking it over at breakfast. It meant calling the person up the next day and sharing your thoughts, then coming to a reasonable conclusion and implicating it.<p>

He should have known space for Kate would end up as six months and counting. After all, after he'd first told her he loved her, she'd avoided him for three months. A marriage, that was forever-in their case, anyways. It was much heavier than a proclamation of feelings. This was them being bound together until death. This was a huge commitment, one he feared she wouldn't be ready to do.

Unfortunately for Castle, six months was too long to wait for a yes or a no. Day in, day out, her reaction replayed in his mind, wearing on his peace of mind. He was afraid to touch her, knowing she could explode at any moment.

She had put a distance between them since that night. It was come in, solve the case, go home. She only looked at him when she wanted something, and sometimes, not even then. It was getting ridiculous, and they both knew everyone noticed. They didn't say anything, of course. That would be an invasion of privacy. But they all knew, and this distantness worried them all.

So they danced and six months became eight. Nine. Ten. Finally Castle had had enough. He cornered her in the break room, shutting the door behind him and blocking it with his body. He knew she could just flip him out of the way without breaking a sweat, but he felt better this way.

"I think I've been patient enough, Kate." He said in a quiet sorrowful voice that made her look him squarely in the eye and wonder why in _hell _she was doing this to him.

"Castle…" She sighed and he shook his head as well as a finger.

"Nuh, uh. No bush beating. What's eating you?" She stared at him incredulously. He stared back, unwavering.

Tension crackled in the room, the silence beating down on both of them. Neither dared speak, but Castle could tell Kate was getting impatient, nervous, so he held his tongue, waiting.

Minutes later, she finally spoke, but not above a whisper. "I'm not ready." Castle just stared. "I can't-I can't give you what you want. You know this. I can't tear down these walls, Castle!" Her voice rose until she was squeaking, pure fear in her eyes.

"Yes. Yes, you can, Kate! You just don't want to." He took a step towards her. "You're scared, Kate, I get it, but you can't live in fear of this," He gestured between them. "Your whole life! It's not fair to you, or to me."

"How do I know that when I tear down these walls, my world won't collapse, huh?" She took a step towards him. "How do you know I won't-" She swallowed hard. "I won't be crushed?" She dropped her eyes and turned around, crossing her arms and breathing hard, willing the tears not the fall.

Suddenly she felt warm arms envelope her. She tried to pull away, but he held her tighter and she shook her head. "Don't." Her voice was hard and she suddenly felt cold as she heard him step back. She turned back around to look at him but the doors to the break room were just slamming shut and she suddenly felt very alone…and very angry.

"You can't just walk out on me." She yelled as she flung open those doors and turned to face him. He froze and slowly turned around to face her with clenched fists and red faced.

"Why not, Kate? You've already walked away from me." His voice was cold, calm, and it scared her. She looked at him, pleading with her eyes for him to understand.

"I still love you, Castle. Isn't that enough?" She watched as he met her eyes, then shivered at the hardness she saw within.

"Not anymore, Kate. I can't. Goodbye." The entire precinct watched in silence as he got into the elevator and left, not even giving Kate a second glance.


	3. Healing

Thank you to all who've viewed and reviewed this. I'm am still soooo very sorry for waiting so freakin' long to update this. So here is the final instalment of Hitting a Wall, unbetaed but straight to you.

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><p>Castle slammed the glass against the counter, causing it to splinter and embed glass shards in his hand. A string of curses followed as he looked over the sight that was now his hand. A grimace puled on his face at the streaming blood and translucent material sticking out of his hand unnaturally, like broken spikes.<p>

Since most of the pieces were the size of his thumb, he could tell just by looking that taking them out would do more damage than good. So he decided to head to the hospital.

With his free hand, he snatched up his wallet and phone, finger automatically poised above speed dial 2. He noticed quickly though and forced himself to dial a cab service instead. He really needed to change his speed dial.

~VNMVNMVNMVNMVNM~

Kate looked down at the scotch in her hand. A fine drink, one Rick would have gladly joined her in. At that thought, her eyes welled up for the sixth time tonight and she hugged his too big T-shirt to her chest, inhaling that scent of ink and cologne that still comforted her, even after their fight.

She couldn't stop herself from taking another swig, causing her to cough and shake her woozy, alcohol filled head. The bottle had been full when she first sat down, and as it was only half full now, this saddened her. She didn't want this, but she was delirious from losing him, from it all. She couldn't put it down if there was a gun to her head. After all, death wasn't sounding so bad anymore.

"T'ey go' it lookey. T'ey 'r'readie dead! Gome! T'ey 'ohm had to deal with thi'." She waved an arm. "T'ey bein' da murder vics and awl." She turned her head longingly towards her bookshelf, where his name sat out in bold print everywhere she looked. She couldn't help it. She'd bought every one of his books, even the ones that had bombed. She was a fan. A screaming, giddy, Oh-my-God-I-love-you-so-much-can-i-get-an-autographic-you're-so-amazing! fan. She had never told him, but she knew her knew. He always knew.

She yanked her head back to earth-well, best she could in her state of mind- and chided herself. "No, no, no, _no _girl! Nuh uh. Noooope. I'm noh' gonna touch 'um." She shook her head, making it swim. She automatically shut her eyes to wait for the swimming feeling to subside, but she fell across the couch instead, and sleep couldn't wait any longer.

~VNMVNMVNMVNMVNM~

Martha found Richard staring at his hand wrapped up in gauze, with the telltale marks of five o'clock shadow, and ruminants of glass shards all over the kitchen. She wasn't surprised anymore by the strange things she woke up to now. It'd been two weeks, but she knew he wouldn't get over her for a long, long time. He might never. It was more a waiting game than anything.

"Richard, dear." She said with a light hand on his shoulder. He jumped at the contact and swung around, eyes wide and breathing ragged. He started to calm almost immediately after he caught sight of Martha.

"Oh. Mother. I wasn't expecting you home…" He trailed off with a glance to the kitchen. She sighed and patted his shoulder.

"I'll get it. You, son, need some rest." He opened his mouth to protest, but she interrupted before he could speak. "Nuh uh, Richard. You are going to go to bed if it kills me. No buts." He glared at her silently and she almost jumped. It was so similar to _hers _it was scary. No wonder he wasn't getting over her. She was a part of him.

"Now. Shoo." She said with a slight wobble in her voice, but he didn't seem to notice. She waved her arms at him and with one last look; he slumped up the stairs, mumbling angrily with words she couldn't understand. But she didn't care. At least she got him into bed, even if it was in the early morning.

She sighed, calming herself, and going off in the search of a dustpan and broom.

~VNMVNMVNMVNMVNM~

Kate awoke shaking and frantic. She could still hear the screams from her dream as she searched for a form of distraction. She found her T.V. remote and for the next hour, she sat there, staring at a rerun of _Wings_ and trying to calm down. Finally, when the episode ended, the little ration voice in her head said, 'You're home. You're safe, ok? Now get your ass up and eat.' So she did.

A blistering headache dulled her senses, and to combat this, she took an Advil, then grabbed several pieces of bread and stuffed them in her toaster.

She yawned and checked her watch. It was 8:52 am. Well, she wouldn't be going to work today, but she already knew that. She was on mandatory vacation for three weeks. According to Gates, she wasn't fit to do her job because of her 'unstable mental state.' So she was to 'get her shit straightened out' before coming back in. Kate knew Gates was wrong, that she could do her job, that her job kept her sane…but she had no choice.

When she caught herself wearing his shirt, she almost broke down again. Instead, she tore it off her body, but afterwards, shivering, she realized it was the middle of January and her heater was broken.

She scrambled to her closet, grabbing the first shirt at her fingertips. She was about to slip it on when she realized it was his. It skittered across the room, her hand throwing it like it was on fire. She then took a closer look at her closet, which stunned her into shock, then tears. Almost half of what was in there was his.

She couldn't stop the tears now. They flowed freely as she finally found a shirt of her own, a bright blue blouse, and wrapped it around herself as if it were her saving grace. Some of the buttons were redecorated with tears that morning as she dressed.

She slowly made her way back to the kitchen, eyes downcast, forcing the sobs back. How had he gotten to her? How had he broken through these walls so carefully constructed and shoot fire into her heart, only to take it away and leave her exposed to the elements? No one could have done this but him. She knew it. He knew it. Hell, even Kapowski knew it! It wasn't that hard to catch on to. He made her spiral out of control and there was no stopping that.

Stopping the brokenness though, according to others, that could be attained, but she didn't believe them. It couldn't be possible to be this broken, this torn, and heal up at all. It couldn't be.

She gathered up her cold toast and buttered them, then stuffed them down her gullet almost faster than she could chew. She spotted the tipped over scotch then and almost sat back down on the couch and drowned herself in alcohol-but she didn't. Forcing herself, she picked up the spilt bottle, closed it up, and put it away. She then searched her house for a new distraction, knowing T.V. just couldn't cut it. Not that she was wide awake now.

Her eyes found her keys and she stared at them for a moment, debating, before snatching them up along with her heels and marching outside. She was going for a walk today.

~VNMVNMVNMVNMVNM~

Richard had another night of near Insomnia. Nothing he did could get his mind settled. Half the time was spent staring at the clock.

After the clock turned to 8:50 in the morning, he got up, hoping Martha would allow him breakfast and out of his impromptu grounding she seemed to have imposed on him.

Before he headed downstairs, he shook his head to clear it, and then plastered a fake smile on his face. He trotted down the stairs. "Morning, Mother!" He said as cheerfully as he could. Martha seemed to believe it, though, because she gave him a big hug and grinned at him.

"See, I _told_ you a good night's sleep was what you needed." She said, poking his chest. He chuckled.

"That you did, mother. That you did." He said, almost to himself, before grabbing an English muffin that was sitting forlornly on the counter.

"Good to see your eating, Richard. Even if it is my breakfast." She rubbed his head and danced off towards her room.

"I'm going out for a walk." He said after her, then watched until she made it completely up the stairs until he let himself drop the smile.

He took a small bit of the muffin, then threw it in the trash. He really wasn't that hungry, he decided, as he snatched up his coat from the coat rack by the door. Slipping his shoes on, he ventured out into the hallway and down the elevator where only one fan and no media awaited him this morning. He gave God a quick thank you before signing her book and pushing open the front doors of the building. Freezing air struck his face, making him bunch up against it, and he let the doors swing shut behind him.

~VNMVNMVNMVNMVNM~

She didn't realize she was walking towards his apartment or that she was stupid to go out today without a coat. She was battling her thoughts at the moment, the old memories punching her in the gut as she walked. Warm days in the park. Coffee. Soon she was having trouble breathing.

She sniffled and let her eyes lift from the ground a bit when she heard the sound of someone walking towards her. First their shoes popped into view. Polished and black, they went well with his black slacks, indicating money. He probably worked out too. She swallowed a sob as she noticed who he resembled.

So, to sooth her heart, she let her eyes linger up the rest of him. A flowing out brown overcoat covered up most of a deep blue collared shirt underneath, which shone against his chest. Black hair spiked in all directions and bags hung sadly underneath his eyes.

Recognition hit her hard this time after her mind caught up. His clothes were wrinkled and stained, and he was thinner, but there was never any mistaking those blue eyes she knew so well.

They both froze, eyes locked upon each other, stunned into silence. Only she could force out a sound. A small, shaky, scared sound.

"Rick?"

~VNMVNMVNMVNMVNM~

Richard had been walking for ten minutes before he realized he was walking towards her apartment. It was habit, and habits were hard to break. 'But this one,' he sighed. 'I don't want to break.'

After he realized where he was going, he decided to sit outside her apartment building for a while today. He would reminisce and wait. He had nothing else to do, right?

He heard the woman before he saw her. The click of her heels was loud enough to wake the dead. It was angry, forceful, and clumsy, as if she'd never worn them before.

As she came closer, he could see them, black and four inches tall. 'Who starts out with heels like that?' He thought to himself as he starts to shifts his eyes higher, now very curious about her.

The heels were strapless, but not totally uncovered. Her boot cut jeans lightly dusted over her feet and swayed with each step she took. Half tucked into her waistband was a stunning blue blouse, wet and not even covering her shivering arms. She must have either lost her coat or left in such a hurry that she forgot it.

'What is she hurrying to?' He thought with a half-smile, his curiosity burning to talk to her now…until he saw her face. Short brown hair curled around her heart shaped face. Her once steeled resolve was melted into a pool of green. Her beautiful lips he had once caressed were almost blue with cold.

He froze the moment he met her eyes, as did she. They stared for what seemed like hours, both at a loss for words until he heard a sound that broke his heart even more.

"Rick?" Kate's voice had been stripped down to its bare minimum. She looks sad, broken, and not at all like the Kate he had known. It shocked and terrified him to think that he must have done this to her. To the woman he loved.

He was jolted out of his reverie by her voice and finally he found the will to speak. "H-h-how," He cleared his throat. "How you b-been?" His voice was filled with shock, but he covered his bittersweet happiness pretty well.

She quirked up her beautiful lips. "Great. Never better, as you can see."

He chuckled sadly and nodded. "Yeah, best week of my life. I even met up with Elvis." He smiled a quirked an eyebrow, an expression Kate mirrored perfectly.

"How is he, by the way? I never got to ask him after he died."

"Doing just fine, except for the fact that the worms are driving him crazy and all." He felt a grin reach his eyes for the first time in weeks. He hadn't known how much he'd missed this until now.

A lull came over their conversation and he took this opportunity to assess her face, and the bags under them, in closer detail. He could see the trace of tears on her cheeks and could tell by the way she was leaning into the shadow of the building beside her, and wincing at almost every sound, that she was hung over. He had to clench his fists to stop himself from hugging her.

Doing this, he remembered his bandaged hand as he let out a strangled growl. She gave him a strange look, until he took his hand out of his pocket and flexed his fingers. He grimaced and she widened her eyes.

"What, um, happened?" Worry laced her voice, though he could tell she was trying to hide it. He gave her a half smile and watched her clench her fists.

"Broke a glass." He peered over her shoulder and shivered, speaking before she could. "Want to go inside? It's kind of, huh, cold out here." He opened the door to the coffeeshop and waggled his eyebrows. She looked around, seeming to think it over. He knew to be patient with her and waited.

"If you can't handle a little wind, Castle, fine." As she entered, she threw a smirk over her shoulder at him and he swallowed. She still managed to heat him up, that was for sure.

~VNMVNMVNMVNMVNM~

Kate entered the coffee shop elated. Not because of the man outside (She felt-well, she didn't know what she felt for him anymore). It was because of the fact this was her favorite coffee shop, Annie's. Even after all these years, it was still in business, but still as small and quaint as she remembered. Why she hadn't been here for so long, she didn't know.

She saw Albert, the owner of the joint, and ran up to him, throwing them into a bear hug. He stumbled back, then chuckled and hugged her back. "Whatever my coffee did to make you so happy, I hope it lasts for you." She pulled back and he did a double take.

"Katie?" She nodded and a beaming smile lit up his face. "We've missed you dearly, Katie. How's life been?"

"Well, I'm a cop now and Dad's stopped drinking. I have two wonderful partners and-" She turned her head to the door momentarily to see Rick standing uncertainly in the doorway. She bit her lip, then waved a hand at him and said, "And that's my, uh, friend, Rick." Albert looked to the doorway, and Rick looked at Kate questionably. She waved him over with a shake of her head and he strode over, eyeing Albert.

They shook hands. "Albert Greenly." Albert said with a smile.

"Richard Castle." Albert's mouth dropped open in shock.

"You mean the novelist? Katie, you-" She elbowed him and gave him a look. Albert looked at them curiously, but gave her a hug and went back to managing the Annie's.

To his credit, Rick didn't comment. They walked without talking to a table and he pulled out her chair. She gave him a half smile and sat down. He took his seat and they sat in silence for a while, looking at everything and everyone but each other. Finally, Castle spoke.

"How are the boys?" He whispered and she sighed.

"That's the best you can come up with? 'How're the boys?'" He didn't answer and she decided it was a good time as any to launch into a deep conversation. "Let's cut the crap, please. How've you _really _been?" They raised eyebrows at each other and Rick paused before consenting.

"Horrible. I haven't slept properly in days and food is hardly ever eaten by me anymore. I've got Martha and Alexis worried out of their minds."

Kate nodded, contemplating her next words. Lie or truth? She let out a breath she didn't know she'd been holding and settled on truth. "Sleeping and eating never really appear in my schedule anymore either. I, uh, don't know what to do anymore, Rick." Her voice trembled and she cleared her throat.

She watched him sigh and lean back. "What are we doing, Kate?" She shook her head.

"We either need to get back together," Kate dropped her eyes. "Or…we need a clean break. No work, no social calls, no nothing. You live your life; I'll live mine, maybe get into some intensive counseling."

She let her eyes drift back up and she slowly nodded. "Maybe it's for the best."

He smiled tiredly. "If that's what will make you happy, Kate, I won't deny you." He stood up and shoved his hands in his pockets, wincing. She didn't move, just stared at his empty chair. "I hope you can have a better life, Kate. I want-" She heard him curse. "I want you to be happy." _With me._ The unspoken thought was deafening to both of them as they heard those glass doors slam shut.

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><p>I would love any reviews you can give me and thank you, again, for reading this.<p>

EDIT: THIS IS THE END. People keep following this story and I don't know why. Maybe ya'll thik this will have a good ending but, I'm sorry, this is it.


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